I didn’t think I was going to share this on my blog, but I built up the courage to press “publish” because I know there are others who can relate and can appreciate honesty/vulnerability. I was worried by sharing these words today that it might show that I’m “weak,” but I also realized that by sharing this story is revealing strength and hope for the future. We should always look towards the future!
My friends say I’m a helpless romantic … sure, call me a helpless romantic! Haha! I love my job; I love documenting weddings/couples who are in love while getting to know their stories … I love watching chick flicks and thoughtful surprises by my significant other, whether that is a random note or flowers. Though, who doesn’t love to be loved? But the other thing I realized is that I’m a fighter. Not an abuser, lol, but rather a fighter who is willing to make sacrifices to make it work. Being a fighter will be a great quality when I’m eventually married, but it’s not a great quality when I’m in the wrong relationship. I find myself in the wrong relationship holding on too long, trying to make it work until something bad happens and breaks my heart. So, why haven’t I met Mr. Right?
I remember a year and a half ago when I was going through a difficult break with my ex, a bridesmaid approached me at the end of the night and asked, “How can you be happy when you’re photographing couples who are in love when you don’t have that? I mean, since I realize you don’t have a ring on your finger.” I felt as though my spirit was trying to be knocked down. I know she wasn’t trying to hurt me, and I really put my personal life aside when I was photographing the day. But gosh, I felt as though the Devil was trying to bring me down! It’s crazy how when you’re in a vulnerable position, these things can dig in deep. I recognized what was going on and looked up to God for strength.
Do you know what’s crazy? I went through a really hard, heartbreaking breakup on Easter Sunday and took the experience to heart. I beat myself up thinking, “I’m not good enough” or whatever irrational thoughts go through your head when you go through a hard time. In comparison to what happened a year and a half ago, this time was quite the opposite experience at Saturday’s wedding. I had the BEST time photographing Kevin and Catherine’s wedding, but I couldn’t help but tear up after I realized what was going on throughout the reception. There were many guests, men and women, who came up to me randomly throughout the night to tell me that I was beautiful. At the end of the evening, I had to thank God for the reminder. He works in mysterious ways and without a doubt, that was Him working through these strangers. They didn’t know my story … They didn’t know I was feeling down about myself because of a recent breakup, yet God placed those words on their heart to share with me. It still blows my mind!
I thought I was the “girl on track.” I had my future figured out and was ready to settle down. It’s weird to think that everything I thought before is completely wiped away. Now I’m trying to figure out where I go from here. I’m currently in the process of healing my wounded heart and will plan to focus on myself and enjoy some quality time with family, friends, my work and travel. My 20’s were spent equally between two long-term relationships that got me to the same place. I get the same response of, “He’s a fool for not treating you the way you deserve to be treated.” Or, “You deserve SO much better.” Does this sound familiar? So why didn’t I listen to my gut and make a move? I cannot dwell on what could have been done differently or what I should have done, but I like to look at the best qualities/moments in people rather than dwell on the bad … Until it’s too late. But the truth is God knew the inevitable all along. Those relationships were not my forever relationships.
So going back to the question that one bridesmaid asked me a year and a half ago, how can I be happy when I’m photographing couples who are in love when I don’t have that. The answer is that I DO have that! I’m constantly reminded that God’s love surrounds me. Love isn’t defined/fulfilled by a guy. My love comes from God because He first loved me. I cannot lean on my own understandings of the circumstances I have wounded up in over the years, but what I do know is that He has a plan and it’s going to be a love that lasts forever. Meeting my Mr. Right will be even sweeter after going through everything I have been through over the years. <3
I’m so so so grateful and thankful for my family and friends who have been by my side! The future is looking positive, thanks to God’s vision for me! If you’re going through a similar situation, please have FAITH! You will make it out of this! You are beautiful and deserve every bit of happiness! God will provide. <3
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